THEORY ON RELATIONSHIPS :P

Latest theory formed by the RINI School of Relationships is that everyone who is in a relationship becomes helplessly immature. Study of varied specimen and speciwomen proved that every little thing seems like a volcanic gigantic problem at the time.

 

Cure: None so far since absence of the above symptom means relationship ceases to exist (or one of them is cheating).

Disclaimer: Theory comes from study/observation of sample pieces and has no direct link to author’s personal life.

Note: The author shall not take any consultations (no bar for consultation/ thank-you charges).

ME v/s MOSQUITO

It was 1 am. I was preparing myself to hit the bed  But at that time, I saw this mosquito playing around. As usual, I tried to clap my hands – with it in between. And as usual, I missed it. The mosquito, whom i have named Mos, flew away and found a spot on the roof to rest.
 

Me: Hey, come over here. It is my job as a human to kill you.
 

Mos: Haa...And it is my job as a mosquito to escape humans and bite them hard when they are not aware.

Me: That’s not your job! You have to do it if u don't want to die out of starvation!! That's your life.

Mos: Our job is our life.

Me: Haa! That is the only job you mosquitoes do! Look at us. We have got different jobs to perform. Some of us are accountants, some docs, engineers, artists, singers, journalists, etc. All of you are just biters! And not even specialized. Only human biting!

Mos: Yea but we are all just mosquitoes. We aren’t Hindu mosquitoes or Muslim mosquitoes or Christian mosquitoes.

Me: Oh… you got something there. Hmmmm... That's interesting. You know what, you will be the hero of my next story.

Mos: You humans are pathetic! You make everything a story!

Me: That’s because we are sort of imaginative species. How do you think you are talking now?

Mos: Uh… an undiscovered talent?

TIPS FOR TEENAGERS to BECOME NORMAL AGAIN!!!

Most of the young people (I say most because I am not too old! :P) don’t know how pathetic they have become nowadays.They live in a world where Sreesanth is a role model and Pepsi decides to name an entire country after them. But the truth is these young guys are illiterate, pretentious and largely clueless. In short, like Tusshar Kapoor. 

Thus, here is a list of steps they can take to become normal again.

Stop using “Ma”: I don’t know if you’re fans of Shashi Kapoor movies, but the next time you use “ma” in your sentence, someone will seriously break your teeth. Seriously, is this some faux attempt at proving your love for your mother? The word is “my”. Repeat after me.

“My name is Khan, and I’m a terribly horrible actor”

NOT

“Ma name izz Khan, I’m a superstarrrrrrrrrrr”

And while we’re on the subject, when did “Killer Shit” and “That’s gangster” become part of the lingo to express approval? What the hell is killer shit anyway? Do you suffer from anal cancer? And gangster? You’re telling me this happened because of Shiney Ahuja’s film of the same name? What time between the release of his movie and raping his maid did he bless us all with this ridiculous two words?

Stop watching SRK Movies: No. He is not the greatest actor of our generation and will never be. But i guess, you also believe he drives around Mumbai in a Hyundai i10 as well. Stop crying about him feeling bad that Kolkata loses almost every match in IPL. Stop telling me My Name is Khan was the greatest movie you ever saw. It only goes to show you have the same IQ as girls who scream in the movie hall every time Bobby Deol makes an appearance

Stop ranting about the EPL: NO ONE gives a damn about whether you support ManU or Barca. They’re not YOUR team and their success doesn’t mean that YOU won. No matter how many jersey’s you buy from a trip to China Market, no matter how many soccer shoes you buy and wear at inappropriate places, NO ONE gives a shit about it. Find some other purpose in life than tweet about players whose names you can’t pronounce and who you’ve only been exposed to in FIFA 2010.

Stop LOLing: If you take a walk down some parks early in the morning, you might come across groups of senior citizens holding their stomachs and making loud noises. I want you to observe this act very closely. It’s called LAUGHING. NOT LOLing. LAUGHING. Why the hell can't you laugh at a joke? Why do you have to say “LOL” in a conversation? It’s not a chat room where you’re trying to impress a bimbo.I’m standing IN FRONT OF YOU! Don’t you dare LOL me! If you want to smile, smile! If you want to laugh, laugh!

Stop showing me your boxers: Seriously boys, pull those pants up. I DON’T want to see your boxers. And I certainly don’t want to see your Fruit of the Loom. I don’t care if you’re wearing Rupa or Jockey’s. I don’t care if it messes with the chain that you’re hanging across the left side of your weird pants. For heaven's sake, Pull those idiotic jeans up!!

Stop pretending to be into hip-hop music: Just because your car has a bass tube (yea! i know what they are) and you listen to 50 Cent and Afro Man does not mean you love “Rap music”. Stick to rock, its easier to pull off being a fan of Nirvana.

Stop wearing Che Guevara T-Shirts: If the only thing you know is “he was the dude from Motorcycle Diaries”.

Stop putting obscure quotes and pictures as your status messages: Seriously, you’re trying to tell me you read Paulo Coelho's books like you drink water? Stop faking and pretending to be an intellectual. We all know you just Google quotes on love, success, friendship.

Stop reading Paulo Coelho: When the hell did Paulo Coelho become the must read author to prove your intelligence? Do you think reading “The Alchemist” is a short cut to become "the cool guy"? Don’t stick your stupid Facebook and twitter profiles with Paulo Coelho as your favourite author. It just tells me you don’t really read and just bought one at a railway station because everyone seemed to have one and you thought buying a foreign author book is much "cooler" than buying "Pinky" (though you badly wanted to read the latter!). 

Follow these steps, and you will definitely become a human being soon.

 

SINGING INSIDE A LIFT.......

I don't know if anyone has noticed yet but when i am inside a lift alone, i start to hum... and that humming turns into singing, depending on my destination floor...  So, one day, I was on a lift, I started to compose a poem.. 

“I dunno how, I dunno why, 

last Sunday you told me 

about a new hair dye.. 

but all that I can see…” I sang.

“Is just a small yellow black bee,” chipped in, my imaginary pal Timmy. We went on a chorus: 

“I am turning my head from left to right

I am turna turna turna turning it round, 

and all that I can see… 

is just another small yellow black bee.”

“That wasn’t too bad was it?”

“Absolutely not. Absolutely nothing”

“Uh ah… the song is quite soothing..” – in singing mode again. “Absolutely nothing,” Timmy sang.

“What would I do without you Timmy?”

“Very little Miss Rini, very little.”

It was our floor. I knew there was something odd as soon as I stepped out. Everyone were staring at me. Some of their faces looked familiar. Finally I reached a room where I saw Anil Kapoor. Ouch! I was on a shooting location, interrupting a scene. I ran back to the lift. 

“Oh no oh no oh shit shit shit”

“Rini, you are using the s-word.”

“Shut up Timmy. Aww gee that was so embarrassing. Do you think they will arrest me?”

“For being in a shooting location? Nahhh. Well it is a sort of trespass and considering that they took a whole floor for this very purpose… maybe they will give you a fine… hmm Rini, I think they will arrest you”

“Forget I asked”

The lift opened, the security caught me and took me right back up.This was it, I was going to be put in jail. “But I didn’t do anything wrong. There was no board saying no entry,” I was nervous.

When the lift opened director Yash Chopra was waiting. “Yash Chopra,” I hissed.

“Glad you recognized. Would you please step in?”

 “Listen Mr Yash ji, I had no idea. Look I am sorry alright, but you can’t really hold me up like this. I am just a college student!”

 “We were towards the end of a long scene when you interrupted. So we will have to do the whole scene again or explain your presence.”

“Oh. Does that mean I should pay a fine? I know the rules!” I blurted out. I looked at Timmy for support. The coward was hiding behind me.

At this point Mr.Kapoor joined and I reddened.

“Young girl…” he began.

“I am not a girl”. I sighed turning to Timmy. Timmy smirked.

“It is a big menace shooting the whole thing again”

“But you can’t arrest me for that!”

“Would you mind if we keep the scene that way?”

I reflected. Cool, finally my big chance to “act”. “No I wouldn’t. Wait let me think (had to play hard to get). Yeah it should be fine.”

“It should be, considering the skills we observed in surveillance camera when you were inside that lift.”

At this point I woke up. Actually I woke up a long time ago. And willfully daydreamed from where I stopped.Timmy is still smirking, idiot.. ;)

To Dentist We (dont want to) Go

Timmy (my imaginary friend) and Me

Two conversations. Err dentists or docs, please skip this. No defamation charges shall be accepted. :P :P

Scene 1: Timmy and Me in living room

Me: Timmy, I am going to die

Timmy: Oh?

Me: Yes. Next week.

Timmy: Oh?

Me: I am against suicide

Timmy: Oh?

Me: So I am appointing someone to kill me

Timmy: I cant

Me: Eh?

Timmy: I’d love to help you, Rini, you know I always do. But I don’t like the smell of blood

Me: Thank you Timmy but you don’t have to take the trouble

Timmy: Oh is there a back up killer?

Me: There is only one. My dentist!!!

Timmy: Oh he is not going to kill you. He will just drive some screws into your jaws

Me: Thanks a lot! That helps!

Timmy: Oh don’t be a baby Rini, its no big deal!

Me: But it is! What if he was bored and thinks a root canal will be a fun thing to do?

Timmy: Errrr Rini....

Me: It is possible you know. Half the time dentists do things out of sheer boredom.

Timmy: I don’t think root canal is a fun thing for dentists either. Monopoly maybe.

Me: You are missing the point. We are talking about me, remember! Solve my problem first.

Timmy: You could choose not to go.

Me: I cant. The pain is killing me.

Timmy: You could distract yourself. Read Calvin and Hobbes

Me: How? Stick it to the roof?

Timmy: Oh I didn’t think of that. Oh yeah mp3 player

Me: Timmy! Well that is an idea. But he might confuse it for his stethoscope and throw water at it.

Timmy: Dentists throw water at stethoscopes?

Me: All the time. They throw water everywhere, into your mouth, onto their knives and even the nurses.

Timmy: Why nurses?

Me: Identification I guess. To know them from patients.

Timmy: Oh. Maybe they like gardening.

Me: So coming back to my problem....

Timmy: Oh forget it Rini, lets just eat for now

Me: Hmmmm easy for you to say you cavity-less creature!

Timmy: One day Rini one day I will get it too.

Me: Don’t worry, I will take you to a doc. Unless you like to stay alive a little longer?


Scene 2:Me and the Doc. :'(


Me: I have got 2 cavities

Doc: 2 of ‘em?

Me: Yes can you tell me if I will need root canalling?

Doc: Hmm you just might

Me: Oh I don’t want to die so young

Doc: Root canalling does not imply suicide as is the general conviction

Me: No, I know

Doc: Good

Me: Its willful murder

Doc: I beg your pardon?

Me: I am letting you kill me.......

R.I.P

Me and Timmy: Sickness...

“I feel horrible”

I said looking at the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan had nothing to do with the horribleness, but it looked like a good thing to talk to. My imaginary pal Mr Timmy, whose existence I buried under a few pillows moments ago, popped up to join the conversation.

“Rini, that’s the 15th time you are using that word!”

“Today?”

“This minute! And that’s only because it takes you 4 seconds to say horrible!”

“4? What am I, a turtle?”

“Turtles don’t talk English”

 

“Ohh”. I took my head under 2 pillows and murmured aloud. “Running nose, watery eyes and a tummy”

“I thought tummy was an old problem”

I came out of the pillows. “It’s a new one when it doesn’t know when it should be fed”

“Oh you can’t sense hunger”

“I feel horrib… alright I am a turtle”

“Quack quack”

I felt a need for some educative tips here. “Timmy, ducks do quack quack. Not turtles”

“So what do turtles do?”

“Oh! Well turtles. What sound do they make… they… they just win races with rabbits. They don’t talk”

“Hmm good. So what do we do?”

“2 choices. 1. You sleep, 2. You stare at your ceiling fan. Oh wait I got another one now! Timmy, we will do a death bed scene. Hold my hands”

He must have liked the idea of seeing my death bed; he came by my side and held my hands.

“Timmy! Don’t chew when someone is dying! Keep your face somber”

“Do I get to talk?”

“After me. Ok here we go… Oh… Tim… this… is it… ahu ahu… Good bye world. Goodbye dear… pal. Wont you… visit my coffin buddy ahu ahu ahu?”

“Ahu ahu ahu?”

“Thats cough!”

“Right so you were saying ahu ahu ahu”

“Timmy, you ruined it! You look way too cheerful”

“Really? I must be a natural”

“Forget the death bed scene”

“Oh no no you were doing great Rini! We will just take you to your death with the open-mouth-tongue-out expression”

“Never mind! We are going back to option 1. So start counting your sheep!”

“I like that. Especially when they have longer limbs”

“I said sheep! You know what the only thing men are good at?”

“Wearing sun glasses?”

I paused for a minute to show sarcasm. “They are only good in taking you somewhere to eat and leaving you behind with one thing they forgot to take care of”

“Dogs?”

“Bills”

I REMEMBER..........

I remember the nights
I remember the fights
I remember everything you gave to me
I remember the kisses
I remember them all

I remember the times you made me fall
Why did you have to do this to me?
You said love was dead
That was like a shot to the head.
I used to love you and you ridicule

You took my feelings and spat them out
You could’ve had feelings if you really want too
You broke my heart and ripped open my scars
You didn’t stop you went too far
Why did you have to do this to me?
 

You said love was dead
That was like a shot to the head
Sitting here remembering
The pain you used to bring
I remember everything
I remember the punches 

I remember them all
Why did you have to do this to me?

I guess you was right when you said
That love was dead

I remember the nights
I remember the fights
I remember everything you gave to me
I remember the kisses
I remember them all

I remember the times you made me fall

Sitting here remembering
The pain you used to bring
I remember everything
I remember the punches
I remember them all

You have made me so small

And now there’s 1000 love letters reading like an obituary
That’s how much you now mean to me
I hope she was worth it, I hope she is painful
I hope it hurts when you fall.........