I REMEMBER..........

I remember the nights
I remember the fights
I remember everything you gave to me
I remember the kisses
I remember them all

I remember the times you made me fall
Why did you have to do this to me?
You said love was dead
That was like a shot to the head.
I used to love you and you ridicule

You took my feelings and spat them out
You could’ve had feelings if you really want too
You broke my heart and ripped open my scars
You didn’t stop you went too far
Why did you have to do this to me?
 

You said love was dead
That was like a shot to the head
Sitting here remembering
The pain you used to bring
I remember everything
I remember the punches 

I remember them all
Why did you have to do this to me?

I guess you was right when you said
That love was dead

I remember the nights
I remember the fights
I remember everything you gave to me
I remember the kisses
I remember them all

I remember the times you made me fall

Sitting here remembering
The pain you used to bring
I remember everything
I remember the punches
I remember them all

You have made me so small

And now there’s 1000 love letters reading like an obituary
That’s how much you now mean to me
I hope she was worth it, I hope she is painful
I hope it hurts when you fall.........

A WORLD OF SHE.......

A world where She lived.. a world where She dared to dream... a world of sweet dreams and no place for nightmares...

She woke up. She washed face. She brushed teeth. She took a cup of milk. She took bath. She dressed. She took bag. She said bye. She left home.

She took bus. She watched world. She watched people. She listened to mp3. She hummed. She thought. She daydreamed. She reached college. 

She said hello. She greeted. She was greeted. She talked. She listened. She studied. She learnt. She requested. She ordered. She laughed. She smiled. She raised brows. She was disappointed. She was cheered. She was done. She left college.

She traveled back by bus with friends. She talked more. She heard more. She felt wind hitting on her face. She enjoyed all.

She reached home. She ate late. She read email. She browsed net. She blogged. She social networked. She read news. She felt tired. She napped. She dreamt. She woke up. She played sudoku. She chatted.

She joined Mom. She talked. She heard Mom. She chatted. She gossiped. She laughed. She on lap. She loved. She felt loved.

She watched TV. She hummed along. She commented. She judged. She was phoned. 

She saw night. She saw moon. She saw stars. She imagined. She wrote. She heard music. She sang. She read novel. She closed eyes. She dreamt again.......

This Night...A Stormy Night....

This night, A stormy night,

is a friend of the moon.

After a long time,

she has come alone.

The silence is over.

The crickets are singing.

 

Someone must put out the lamps in the evening;  

Tonight, I must talk with the darkness to my heart's content.

The darkness sulks;

The darkness sits,

lost, in a corner.

 

The night

is a friend of the moon.

After such a long time,

she has come alone.

The darkness is mad;

how dense it is!

It pierces me; it bites me;

Even so, it is mine.

In its lap,

I'll rest my head to sleep.

In its arms,

I'll hide myself to cry.

The darkness today flows from the kohl, rimming my eyes.

The night

is a friend of the moon.  

After such a long time,

she has come alone.

SPY-FI

My imaginary friend, Timmy, had just woken up from a 10 hour "nap". 

Timmy: I’ve got a hell lot of things to tell you

Me: What is it?

Timmy: What? Do you have to know everything right away?

Me: Okay, tell me tomorrow then.

Timmy: I will think about it.

Me: Oh come on, what else have you got to do?

Timmy: What? You think I sit doing nothing all day?

Me: Yep

Timmy: Have you been spying on me?

TIRED OF BEING YOUR FRIEND

I'm tired of being the one who listens.
I'm tired of being the one who calls.
The one who ends silences.
The one who breaks down walls.

The one who never shows anger.
The one who never asks.
And the one who will remember
But wear a smiling mask.

Old friends are better than new.
They know you without needing to ask.
But I wish that sometimes you
would, even if you know, still ask.

I'm tired of the distances.
Of having to work at keeping it alive.
Excuse me my absences:
I may - or may not - be back in a while.

Crushes....errrr... Marriages

My imaginary friend Mr Timmy and I were watching a movie the other day. Richard Gere was chasing Bruce Willis on a railway track. As always Timmy had a question for me.

“Why don’t they take their guns out?”

As always, I had an explanation.

“I guess they like each other”
Timmy looked satisfied. I was thinking, about Bruce Willis.

“You know Timmy, I might marry Bruce Willis”

“Rini you just said Johnny Depp yesterday. Cant you give a guy a week?”

“ Boy, when I say I have a crush on Mr Good Looking, my sensory powers translate it to I married Mr GL”

“Is there any good in that?”

“Yeah we have established a relationship you see!”

“I repeat. What’s the good in that?”

“I will tell you what’s good about it Timmy. When I go to a place and see a house he owns I’d say ‘He’s giving this one to me’”

“That makes some sense”

“It does. So every other street I walk on, I will have another house waiting to be mine”

“Cool! So you get a crush when you know a guy is rich?”

“Of course not! You don’t marry a guy for his money. You marry him for his short hair, clean eyes and cause he lets you in the front door when his Mom’s still there”

“Attractive. So money doesn’t matter”

“It does for divorces”

“You divorce someone when he is penniless”

“That’s inhuman Timmy! But you don’t divorce someone when he is growin' money trees in his backyard cause he ran out of space in his front garden”

“Amazing Rini! You happen to know any female imaginary pals in the neighborhood?”

“Let’s look around Timmy boy”

“I want her to be sensible, hate her real-life pal and make fun of him”

“ You won’t find another one like you around!”

“I know; that’s why I remain a fancy pal. I am too good to be real”

I didn’t say anything. I decided that when it came to creating fancy pals who thought the world about you, I was a total failure. Timmy seemed to think the inferno about me.

LOOK FOR ME WHEN I AM GONE

Look for me when I am gone.

Not for all the turmoil and problems I caused in your life,

And not for being the woman you wanted me to be;

But as someone who truly loved you once and that was forever.

As someone who gave you a reason to live your life,

As someone who laughed with you, cried and shared your emotions.

Look for me when I am gone.

Not for showing lady-like qualities in front of your friends,

The tantrums that made you lose your temper every time,

The fights that made you hate me every while;

But as someone who could spend the whole day waiting for you

Or when you were unwell,

as someone who stayed up all night with her prayers, praying for you.

Look for me when I am gone.

Not for having the patience you wanted me to have,

Not for being perfect all the time;

Remember me as someone who could go to any extreme

if she could have you in the end.

Who could fight with anyone if you chose never to leave her hand.

Look for me when I am gone,

For you would miss me.

Don’t worry, I won’t be far away,

I will wait for you until you come,

hold my hand and kiss me.....

Agar Mein Panchi Hoti Toh Kitna Achcha Hota

Agar mein panchi hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota,

Puri dharti apni lagti

Khula aasmaan nyaara lagta..

Ud jaati pankh khol apne

Kshitij chum jaati aur poore hote mere sapne..

Agar mein panchi hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota.....

Agar mein nadi hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota,

Beh jaati apne sapnon ke duniya mein

Phir bhi rastaa mera hota..

Phatharon se takraati, pahaadon se girti

Par mein needar ho kar aage badhti;

Intezaar kar raha hai Saagar mera

Mein awashya uske saath jaa kar milti..

Agar mein nadi hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota.....

Agar mein varsha hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota,

Idhar baras jaati, udhar garaj jaati

Par apne sang khushiyaali laati..

Rok paaye mujhe na aandhi na toofan

Ghusse se garjoongi

Dharti ko meri zaroorat hai

Jamkar nischay mein barsoongi..

Agar mein varsha hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota.....

Agar mein ek ped hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota,

Upar badey badey phal lagte

Niche aadmi sukun se sota..

Sabki sahaayata mein zaroor karti

Mann chaahe toh khaa le mere aam

ya jala de meri deh aur paa le sukh kisi ek shaam..

Agar mein ek ped hoti

toh kitna achcha hota.....

Lekin mein hoon ek aam manushya

Hain mere hazaaron sapne

Na taakat hai meri nadi jaisi

Na saahas hai mere ped jaise..

Chaahiye toh mujhe sirf ek cheez

har kadam pe ho saath mere apne.....

Agar mein panchi hoti

Toh kitna achcha hota.........

Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus... Really??

I am not a cricket player. All I have for credit are the little cricket games I played with my elder brother as a kid. So when my neighbours planned to form a cricket team for a local cricket tournament, I didn’t think much of it. But… I didn’t think they would not even consider women in their team. They didn’t know if any of us were interested, had experience or were good players. They assumed it is going to be a men’s only event. Now that, more than irk me, shocked me. Yes, that’s how it is in international cricket. But I thought local matches were more casual, more gender free-friendly. The year is 2011 and we still think fights and sports are for men and cooking and sewing are for women?

When I asked if I could be in the team – just out of curiosity in fact – I was generously offered a cheerleader’s place. They meant it for fun. But repeatedly when the comment came from every guy i interacted with, in the neighbourhood, I was again, puzzled. This was not anymore a joke. They seriously could not even imagine a woman as a player. It is because the cricket ball is too hard for a fragile little woman’s soft skin, I gathered.

If I say more, I will only be branded a desperate feminist. I say ‘only’ because that would only make the depth of my words and concerns seem unimportant. I am not asking for justice. I am not thinking of a different picture where all is fair. I am not in the least asking to be in the team (ahh, i am no good at it)! I am just realizing discrimination is just another norm, an accepted reality of the world. It would always exist in subtle forms unquestioned. Wouldn’t it?

How Do You Feel.....

How do you feel…

when you just can’t make someone understand your point of view?

How do you feel… 

when that someone is still the most important person in your life?

How do you feel… 

when you can’t afford to give up on that someone?

How do you feel… 

when you just can’t feel anything anymore?

A Letter to Pakistan

People often ask me what I think of the relationship between India and Pakistan every time a bomb goes off either side of the border that hasn’t been exploded by Hindu fundoos. First, I don’t know why people ask me. My foreign policy expertise is as expansive as a Naga Sadhus wardrobe. Anyhow, my answer is the same every time.

For me – the relationship is like that of an annoying girlfriend/boyfriend who just doesn’t get the hint that one of them isn’t interested. The thing is this – up until the 90s, the Kandahar hijack, even Kargil, average Indians were quite vocal and keen on wondering what was going on across the border. People shared a sense of history and from a foreign policy perspective, it was always object of focus number 1. Now however, things are a lot different. If I were India and had to draft it in letter form, here is what I would say.

“Sorry Pakistan, it’s not me, it’s you. I might have been around you physically for a long time, but my heart hasn’t been in it for a while. Its not that I hate you – its that I just don’t really care. You need to move on instead of constantly harping about how we were so close in the past, how we shared so many tender moments, how in the end we are all the same people. It used to make me feel guilty at first – but now it doesn’t. I don’t have to feel this way.

I've worked hard all my life to try and make a name for myself. And I’m finally getting recognised for all those efforts. Please let me focus on realising my full potential instead of constantly bringing me down. I have lots of kids to take care of. Some of them have to deal with mass poverty, some with global warming, some with the ridiculousness of the kind of shows my people are putting on TV. And if that wasn’t enough, some of my Maoist kids are even hell bent on killing me and parading my carcass for the world to see. If that happens, who will make all those movies that you love?  Do you hate me so much that you want to constantly ruin my life? What kind of relationship is that? Hell, I even have more fun playing cricket with the Australians now. So what’s left for us to even salvage?

Every time we feel we are starting to move on and going along our business, you get your hot Chinese friends to start adding me on Facebook or blowing something up just to grab my attention. Why are you acting like a crazy wife trying to get something free from her ex-husband who is now a celebrity? I know we both used to live in the projects before, but you need to let me enjoy the success of my rap album that just went platinum. Constant obsession with our past relationship, bringing up how she knew me before I made it big in the world isn’t going to change anything. I get it – I totally get it – but you have to find other reasons to exist. I cannot be the sole reason you stay alive. It’s painful to watch – and in many ways, wrong.

Some of my politician sons will stay play the same games – and yours will too. Water issues will need to be solved, and our kids will also keep bumping each into each other while they go fishing. But we don’t have time for this - JUST LET IT GO!

I don’t know why we are supposed to be so bothered about everything happening with you. I don’t know why its my responsibility to nurture your children and make them play in IPL. I just want you to leave us alone. Do your thing, move on, get into another relationship and I’m sure we can be friends sometime in the future. As much as you’d like to think our break-up still hurts, it doesn’t. Dont believe whatever Nandita Das tells you. And I was secretly hoping Arundhati Roy would also get Qatari citizenship.

I hope you get what I was trying to say. I wish you well – I really do. Lets both do our thing and talk in maybe – 20 years?"

India

What's Love?

Love. Wherever I turn to, it is somehow a discussion on love. There is nothing unusual about that. What makes me write is the specific concern about love that keeps coming back. Does it last?

The first one was when a friend of mine wrote about arranged and love marriages. Another said love – the feeling is consistent – but it needn’t be towards the same person. Convenient! It kept bringing back that thought which I fear – that no love is consistent. And no I don’t mean this version of feeling-lasts-but-lover-does-not.

Seriously – cant one love another forever? In fairy tales yes, in movies of course. But in real life? Here is what I read in one of the articles published in The Hindu http://www.hindu.com/2010/07/15/stories/2010071554571100.htm

So all that crush stuff we talk about is an ‘unconscious’ feeling of lust? Yech! I’m not going to accept that. Crush is crush – you like something about the person, which attracts you to him, but you have no idea what it is. And that’s what makes it special. How can love be love if there is logic in it? No way.

Love should be mysterious, incomprehensible, unpredictable and totally devoid of logic. For example, you cant decide – person X has so many qualities matching to mine, I will pick him. That may work for arranged marriages. But not in love. But then again, it might be one of these qualities which worked the magic, you never know. I say the whole concept of love crumbles if you bring your calculations into it. In other words, brain has no place in it. Which is why I wont buy the piece in The Hindu.

But one part they say is about long-time friends becoming a couple at some point in life. Now this has been an area I keep debating with self and never can find an answer to. Friendship, I have always held as a divine relationship and I cant imagine anything coming in between to shatter that. Not even love. I have always seen friendship above love though I hear people say it is one and the same. I will say this much. To lovers, friendship is an added advantage. But to friends, love is an intruder who will forever change something divine that they had all this while.

Two things bother me. The consistency factor and the friendship factor. However much I believe that marriage could put an end to all your “intense” feelings making it a matter-of-fact relationship taken for granted, I still like to fantasize that there exists true love. That someone is there for someone else – forever, not changing faces in between. Just one for another. Now it would be really sad if there is no such thing.

You Are The One.......

You are in each experience of mine

you are in each feeling of mine

You are in all my moments

And in my nights and days as well.....

You are the one, at every place

You are the one...

You are the one, wherever i see

You are the one...

You are the world to me

And beyond that...

All the way from earth to the sky

I can see you everywhere...

You are the one, beyond all limits

You are the one...

You are the one, within me

You are the one...

How shall i express this to you

And in what way

The love i have for you

Even if i see your shadow

I feel like goin' nearer and

embrace it with my eyes...

You are the way itself

And the companion too

And that i always wished for

You are that destination...

You are the one, beyond all limits

You are the one...

You are the one, within me

You are the one...

How shall i tell you that

Lost in the nights

You are the lovely dreams i get

And how shall i tell you

About all  those worlds

Which refreshes the soul with love..

You are the one, who started it all

You are the one, the height of my love

You are my intention to live

And the reason itself is love...

You are the one, beyond all limits

You are the one...

You are the one, within me

You are the one...

Just Because............

Just because you are an orphan
Does not mean your miserable


Just because you have a big family
Does not mean you are loved


Just because you have friends
Does not mean you are never alone


Just because you don't have friends
Does not mean you are alone


Just because you smile
Does not mean you are happy


Just because you are grumpy
Does not mean you are unhappy


Just because you are tall
Does not mean you are good at Basketball


Just because you are stout
Does not mean you lack stamina


Just because you are curt
Does not mean you are rude


Just because you are polite
Does not mean you are kind hearted


Just because you speak English
Does not mean you are educated


Just because you talk
Does not mean you are smart


Just because you are silent
Does not mean you are rude


Just because you shout
Does not mean you are arrogant


Just because you are graceful
Does not mean you are nice


Just because you don't complain
Does not mean you are a saint

Just because you talk

Does not mean you understand

Just because you have a career
Does not mean you don't know how to be in a family


Just because you are single
Does not mean you are a loser


Just because you are married
Does not make you the king/queen of the world 


Just because.... 
Just because..................

My Demands

Brr brr-um brrr brr-o brr-brr- zzzzzzzz. 
I-I’m co-co-coolddd. Uff. Sick… uff… tee-teeth clattering. Clat clat clat-a-tat.


One would think the world you toil for day and night would mourn for you, with you. No such luck. They are all here, chattering, laughing, even working. Not sick at all. Not even attempting to share my temperature.


I detest this. I protest this. The world is supposed to sit for me, with me, nurse me and cure me. I demand the wind come and lift me from my miserable study table. I demand the clouds bed me safe and secure far up the sky. I demand the trees drop their long soft leaves to cover my shivering self. I demand the chirping little birds to sing a sweet lullaby for me. I demand angels to watch over me when I sleep so long… so so long… and finally I demand humans to tell me not to work, never to work.