INDIAN SLAP..... MIND IT!!

I still remember the other day when i took an auto rickshaw to reach from point X to point Y, when in the middle of my journey the engine started sputtering. The driver clearly had a gold medal in chewing tobacco. Without caring about any traffic, he promptly pulled up and started to check the engine.  He quickly decided to execute an engineering miracle. I was inside the auto when i heard "phataaaaaaaakkk" three to four times. I got down to see what really happened. And there he was, SLAPPING the engine.. and signalled me to get back in. Sure enough the engine roared its way back to life.

 

The truth about us, Indians, is this. We are the "slapsters". Whether it’s a battery down remote control of a TV, an old radio catching dust in the corner or even our kids, we can fix anything with a slap. 

Guys, think really hard. Why is it that when an object (living or non-living) goes weird, our first instinct is to give a tight slap? Is it because we saw that was the only way to keep our hot tempered Sreesanth focused on the cricket match without giving monkeys a bad name? Or is it because we have grown up listening to the classical slapping sound of Zakir Hussain’s Tabla? Or may be it is because that was the climax of most of our TV shows and the credits started to roll... A thought to ponder over...

Or is it because we are a big time attention seekers? And a slap is the best way to get it? Indian men never punch each other when their cars meet with an accident on the road. Most, and by most I mean 9 out of 10 men, act like they were going to land a punch but let loose a tight girly slap. Slaps and bullets make more noise thus attracting a bigger crowd. 

During school days, our teachers used to slap us and never really punched.. Not even the hardcore sports types. Taking a punch is manly for guys, but getting slapped degraded their reputation 1000 times over. Is it that we are all slapping each other to avenge our humiliation from childhood? 

Slapping has a much more revered place as compared to other forms of violence, if you look down the history of Indian culture and vocabulary. People are more likely to say “Kaan ke neeche bajaaoonga” (Ill give you one tight slap below the ear” as compared to “ek ghoosa padega toh battisii bahaar aa jaayega” (Ill knock your teeth down with one punch).

But seriously guys, our Indian slap deserves some kind of credit. I don’t know if our lives would go on smoothly without it being employed everyday in almost 2/3rd of our daily activities. But its just another thing we’ve started taking for granted. Let's not talk about it to the millions of women being abused by their husbands everyday.

LETTER TO OUR DEAR PM

Dear Manmohan Singh

How do I start? Hmmmm... Lemme just tell you that I'm very disappointed with you. I read it somewhere that you can find an intelligent and capable Sikh through the quality of his turban. Have you ever noticed that even your closest Sikh advisor, Montek Singh Ahluwalia, ties his turban in the opposite direction. I noticed that during your administration, other capable Sikhs like Harbhajan Singh never learnt how to tie one, J.J. Vallaya started keeping a pony tail and the other spin legend - Maninder Singh tried slitting his wrist. I feel your lack of turban tying skills has had an adverse impact on the Sikh community.

For someone who single handedly pushed upwards India’s economic revolution through reforms we had but no choice to make, your current form worries me. Infact, I was very proud of the fact that the Sikh community is perhaps the only one which has no beggars, and then Sonia Ji made you PM.
So, I am writing this letter to offer you my advice over few things. So, lets start...

1) Terrorism: Now I know why people have been spitting on you about being soft on terror just because you don’t hang Afzal Guru but I can feel your pressure.. Its understandable... Being a Sikh how can you hang anyone who’s got a Guru in their name? Your religion has ten and they sacrificed their lives for the country already. So how can we make another one a martyr? I totally get it.
You should at the earliest, fence India’s entire border regions with the 30 foot cutouts of The Great Khali with Rajnikant and Chuck Norris' jokes here and there. Not only will it scare the future Kasabs trying to enter Mumbai etc but also provide employment to hundreds and thousands of artists across the country who are broke and poor.

2) Price Rise: I can understand the fact that it is difficult for any PM to handle the price rise due to global economic meltdown. People don't understand this. But I am with you, Mannu. I realise what a genius you are by not giving the rotting leftover food grain to poor people for free. In one of his lectures, Shiv Khera had told, "For an individual to be successful in life – the most important thing is having the hunger." I know what you're trying to do. With this wonderful plan of starving people even though we have the capability to feed them all, you are actually empowering them and creating the desire in them to be successful. Oh yea, i can smell social entrepreneurship and capital venture. 

3) Tackling fiscal deficit: I know the economist in you is dying to tackle this problem single handedly. My suggestion to you is to sell the states of Bihar and Jharkhand to Japan. I guarantee you that these Japanese will invest in anything, especially any shit connected to Buddha. It makes sense, Mannu. Firstly, we already have existing Japanese tourists who visit every year. Secondly, the rate at which these states have been bringing down Human Development Index and GDP, it will portray a better image for India. Thirdly, lets not argue on the fact that its almost next to impossible to govern these states given the amount of corruption, murders, kidnapping and Naxal presence. It definitely needs the highest possible amount of discipline which only Samurai warriors have. Also, teen suicide rate in Japan is almost equal to farmer suicide rate in these states- thus making it an excellent socio-cultural fit.

4) Indian sports federations: I just want you to implement one simple rule when it comes to our sports federations. Please Mannu, make it mandatory for the chief of such federations to have/had or be able to play that particular sports. That's all i ask for. We don't ask him to be a champ in it, just be able to play. Like, if V.K Malhotra is Chief of the Archery federation, he should at least be able to hold and lift the bow for 5 minutes. 5 minutes is all this nation asks for. And for god' sake, can you please remove Jagdish Tyler as Chief of Judo Federation. Do you realize he joined it to defend himself from your Sikh community, if you know what i mean.

5) Gay marriages: Now that you have lost 90% of your supporters, there still lives a community who will definitely support if you do something for them. Mannu, its time you make gay marriages legal in our country. Won't it be fun if we have more of weddings and receptions in the country? more of yummy food!! How can you not appreciate this being a Punjabi?? It will be better for our country, it will attract more tourists and you can proudly stand tall and show to the world who's their daddy!

Last but not least, i hope you haven't got bugged up reading my letter. Its time Mannu. We want to hear what you've to say and know your true side than listening to your monotonous speeches which your speech writers feed you. 

So please, make an effort, loosen up a bit and lead us. We are waiting. 

Yours
People of India 

A MOMENT OF GRIEF.......

We always lose someone we love,
Sometimes we blame God
But everything has its own ending
A happy ending sometimes...
Some go to heaven, some go to hell
But at least they can't feel the pain
on this mean world anymore...
How people treated them while they were still alive.
When they were still alive,
We did our best to push them away.
But when they are gone,
We want them back....
We want them during the times
our house feels empty without their noise,
our phone being silent without their calls,
our nights without them...
the times when we need their advices...
the times when we need their hug while we are crying...
Their memories keeps us alive,
Their memories makes us to smile....
Makes us laugh, and at that point
Makes us cry sometimes....
We grab their clothes, their favorite stuffs
and pretend its him/her...
The last smile he/she gave you
while he/she was gone
The time he/she said.....
"You'll be alright, I'm goin' to watch over you"
The are not gone, he/she is just somewhere
Somewhere he/she can rest peacefully...
It tears our heart apart
Every time we smell their scent
Every time we see their photos...
The most hurtful part is when we left something unspoken,
We sometimes blame ourselves too..
Why not us!! Why it had to be them??
Life recycles,
When someone leaves,
Someone will come...
They are just like angels,
They are meant to be with you for a short time..
Make you happy,
Feel alright when you're down...
Death teaches us
How to love someone so much
while they are still alive...
Death is not a sad thing,
He/she will meet someone in heaven,
Someone they really love,
Who passed away long back...
We can't control death,
But what we can control is time
in our own ways....
Because  somewhere out there...
He/she is just watching you...
Still helping you...


(I wrote this to help my friend who recently lost her mother. R.I.P)

 

I AM SORRY....I REALLY MEAN IT....

“Would 'sorry' have made any difference? Does it ever? It's just a word. One word against a thousand actions.”- Sarah Ockler


Welcome to the 21st century where hardly any conversation is made without the word- no my friends, it is not f!@#k, though it is equally gaining popularity. it is the most magical word we homo sapiens have created. Ladies and gentlemen, i present it to you, "SORRY".

The word sorry is abused these days a lot by people. I am no exception. Now i feel that people no longer mean it when they say, like ‘sorry we are closed’ or ‘sorry I kept you waiting’. I even get meaningless apologies from TATA SKY (DTH  connection) when they frequently interrupt the telecast due to rain, and used to apologize with a screen that said ‘sorry for the interruption’. 

The value of sorry has started to diminish. Nowadays, if you really mean it, you have to specifically say so, like ‘I am sorry and I really mean it’ or ‘I am really sorry’. By the way, I am really sorry I don’t know who Sarah Ockler whom i have quoted above, is.

Every person offers apology for anything these days. Sorry has just become a word. It is free of cost. And it comes with the added advantage of making receiver happy. Like a husband saying sorry to his wife for forgetting their anniversary. However, there are still few people who think it is below their self esteem to utter sorry, no matter how wrong they are.

My funda is simple.  I, too am a human. I too make mistakes and sometimes have hurt people and and knowingly or unknowingly, it will happen even in the future. If my actions have caused any harm, offense, discomfort or inconvenience to a person, I apologize straightaway. Haa.. I apologize to you for this blog.

One important thing should be kept in mind. Timing. If you delay, the issue could get complicated and the injured party might not be open to your sorry business. But you surely would always be able to better Vatican’s timing, which apologises a few hundred years after the injured parties are no longer around, like when it apologized to Galileo in 1992 after 359 years. And yes, if you don’t ask forgiveness now, it is quite possible that tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty!

 I have come across people who give fake apologies. They are good at giving false apology, which sounds like a real apology without taking any blame for the action. Like the thief who is sorry that he is sentenced to 10 years prison and not that he is a thief!! Then there are few people in this world who get angry if the apology is not accepted. Like this guy in a movie who was caught two-timing and was shouting at his girlfriend, “I told you I am sorry. NOW what is your problem?” 

A really good method of apologizing is to seek forgiveness by bringing out to the other person’s good self. Probably getting a little emotional also helps. Like the other day when my mom was out of town and I was strictly instructed to water the plants which I happily forgot to do. I told her, "I am really sorry, but the beautiful mother you are, both from outside and inside and the kind hearted personality you have got which I hope to instil in myself one day, I know you'll forgive me". I got my favorite chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream that day.

But men, if you want a successful relationship or a marriage, then you must be willing to apologize to each other. Whenever you're wrong, apologize to your wife; and whenever she is wrong, apologize to her, like a true man

Just remember that to err is human. You will commit mistakes. small and big ones. You'll hurt people whom you love and who love you. The best way to correct wrong actions is to try lying, blaming others, making excuses or justify your actions. Or you could sing Akon's "Blame it on me".

If nothing works, open my blog and read this post. I don't know whether it will help you or not, but it will increase my page views count.

SOFT SPOT FOR ARCHITECTS.....

I am back with my imaginary buddy, Timmy. (My friends missed him a lot!)

Recently, I watched this movie 500 days of summer with Timmy.

Me: Timmy, I sorta like this Gordon handsome and you know what I just realized?

Timmy: It’s upsetting that a man like him should get a gorgeous girl like that?

Me: No

Timmy: Hmmmm... That I would have looked much cooler as Robin than him?

Me: Yuccckkkk... Oh boy... No...

Timmy:Then?

Me: I just realized that I have a soft spot for architects..

Timmy: You do?

Me: Gordon here acts as an architect you see. Then I like Ted Mosby too and guess, what is he?

Timmy: An architect?

Me: Yes! You see the connection here?

Timmy: Was a Hercules task Rini when you put it like that!! 

Me: But i got a problem.. :(

Timmy: What?

Me: I doubt I would understand much of what architects say.

Timmy: Is that a problem? Rini, you hardly understand much of what anyone says. 

Me: Hmmmm... yea, that's also true....
 

THINGS OBAMA ACTUALLY WANTED TO TELL INDIA DURING HIS VISIT...

1) First thing, Saw Mukesh Ambani's Antilla while we were landing. Now THAT's a building I wouldn't mind a plane crashing into. ;D

2) MIchelle is now the tallest man in India.

3) Accidentally said I was a Gandhi fan. Now have to mention it in every.speech.all.the.f^%#@!^.time. What i think about Gandhi is Nobel Peace Prize: Me = 1, Him = 0.

4) Indians everywhere are calling my wife Kali. I knew Michelle was strong, but didn't realise Indians thought of her as an Indian goddess. Yeppieee :)

5) Who are these Mantri Developers and why does my Blackberry have 300 sms's from them offering to sell me an apartment?

6) Researched a lot about India in Google before going there and I am disappointed that nobody offered me cow urine.. (sob..sob)

7) Just got off the phone with a young lady from some HDFC. Have secured major loans to get over the recession crisis. This trip is already proving a big time win. :D

8) I'm gifting Manmohan Singh a personality development and public speaking course with Deepak Chopra.

 

9) Mumbai is a fine city. It reminds me of New Orleans post Katrina.

 

10) I hate the Pakistanis. They keep saying the damn N word all the time.

 

11) There's no way I'm giving you guys access to David Headley. I saw what your cops did with Jamaal in Slumdog Millionaire.

 

12) I'm not running for a second term if I've to deal with this Rahul chap. what a torture that would be!! phewww...

 

13) No India, I cannot give you a UNSC seat through an OBC quota. (saaaaaryyy!)

14) Btw, why are you so keen on getting a Security Council seat when you can't even stop the Maoists from taking over 10 states?

 

15) That American companies' innovation skill is proved by the invention of McAloo Tikki burger.

 

16) When I ask for cheese they give me something called paneer. When I repeat "CHEESE" they start smiling. This is pissing me off.

 

17) Learnt a new phrase today - Zindagi jhand phir bhi ghamand

 

18) All I have to do is smile, say namaste and make an Amitabh Bachchan reference to make Indians dance on my finger tips. 

 

 

Jab I Met SRK!!!

 I was sleeping tight. I hope my mouth was not open because he would have seen that when he came and sat near me. He must have tried to call me cause by the time I woke up he was shaking me up. Hope he didn't think I was dead. When I woke up I stared for a second then tried to scream but I couldn't find my voice. He raised his eyebrows. “Shhh dont worry. Relax you are in a plane”

I continued to stare. What was he doing in my plane? I seemed to have forgotten the plane did not actually belong to me. He smiled. “Hi you know me right?” Whatever on earth I was doing, I was not talking. He offered his hands for a hand shake and whispered “I am SRK” I shook his hand and replied “I am RM” He laughed at this and whispered again “Shah Rukh Khan”. I whispered back “Rinita Mishra” He opened his mouth wide and said “Wow that's you!”

I sat up straight now. If this was a dream, I was beginning to enjoy it. I said “Ahh don't tell me you know me” He said “But of course! I watch every step of yours! I am your best fan ever! I mean who isn't? But I beat them all I tell you!” I tried to look modest now. I am not sure if I had any idea of what was going on. It was like we interchanged our roles. I signed his autograph book. I actually wrote “Hope you have a bright future ahead” and he insisted me to add this “And be it almost as nice as mine. Love, Rini”

So SRK carries an autograph book what do you know. How surprising it can be!! Then he asked for the weirdest thing. He asked me to touch his head and bless. Okay now this was going too far even for an interesting dream. I had to get out of it. Wake up RINI!!! Seems I did not wake up cause Sharukh was still talking “I normally don't like anyone touching my hair. I am kinda fussy about it you know” That sounded like my fav. man Jesse (If anyone watches the TV sitcom "Full House" would know) I said so. He didn't seem to like it. But hey something was wrong here. How come he didn't recognise me if he watched me every second? I asked that. But he didn't answer.

I woke up. Nope this was not a dream. This was a chunk of my imagination. A big chunk!! How else could I mess it up so much! Oh well it was good while it lasted! Hope he has not lost that autograph book.. ;)