SUICIDE: WHEN IN DOUBT, DO NOT CHECK OUT!

There was no reply, no reply at all. He must be busy; he must be busy with his ex-girlfriend he once so passionately spoke about. I was in torment. I cannot live like this, waiting for someone who doesn’t bother, who always finds excuses why he couldn’t call me. We lived in different states. We hardly met. How am I supposed to reach him? The anxiety and agony was too much to bear. It made me forget about the boy who had a crush on me, my parents who would love me to the end of their lives, and my sister who is my best friend. People who were still in my life, inspiring me, pampering me, loving me, missing me. And about me, that I was in one of the best colleges of India where people dreamt of studying.

I swallowed 10 tablets of Death, thinking never to look back again. I swallowed them fast before I change my mind. Now I was at peace that slowly that pain would end. I started analyzing everything. My life in college, my friends, my career, my parents, who loved me beyond everything, unconditionally. They sacrificed a lot for my studies and always made a point to fulfill my every demand. Oh, and when my time came, I repaid them like this. I started to think about my younger sister-she was in school. She loves me too. I remember when I got admitted to this college and had to shift to Gujarat, she used to call me and cry every day, she missed me like anything and it almost took a couple of months to get her back to normal. Poor thing, she would have to live without me now, throughout her life she would just miss me and couldn’t do anything about the pain. Was my love for the boy greater than the love of these people? No. but it was too late now.

I was scared now. I was scared of how much pain I am going to cause to the people who considered me their pride, love, life, everything. They never abandoned me, they never cheated on me, and they were always there whenever I needed them. They loved me without any conditions, any expectations. And what did I do? I stabbed them in their heart. Now their hearts would bleed for me. I have almost killed myself now, for a boy who doesn’t bother. God, what did I do? How can I undo this? I was already losing my mind. There was nobody home. My roommates were out. I could have called them, and told them, “please come, help me”. But what could I have possibly said that I have tried to kill myself. Could they ever reach in time? I was sure now that nothing could be done.

I was losing it, losing what people call life. I was waiting for that moment when my brain would stop thinking, stop remembering things, because it was painful. Painful, that I would die, without telling them goodbye. I have wasted my life of which I could have done so much, I could have been a fashion designer, I could have launched my label, I could have fulfilled my dream. I have killed that one chance which I was given in the form of life. I have closed my door towards God’s gift and I am dying. Weird, why now? I should have thought it before.

My vision was getting blurred. Were those tears that made it difficult to see or the pills did start taking their toll? Darkness, yes darkness was invading my universe. I was blinded. My eye lids were so heavy I couldn’t keep them open. Blackout.
Faintly, what I remembered was that I was in the washroom, vomiting. My friend was standing outside and crying and shouting. Finally, I fell on the floor and TOTAL ECLIPSE.

There were people who were tying my hands and legs, because I was crying and shouting out of pain when they were inserting a pipe down my nose and throat. Gosh, it was painful, suffocating. I wanted to break free. Am I dreaming? Am I dead? I murmured,” don’t tell to mom dad please”

After 3 days in the ICU, when I opened my eyes after what seemed an eternity, I saw my dad standing there at the door; I realized that I was still alive. They saved me. My friends took me to the hospital in time. I was saved. My dad sat by my side. He had tears in his eyes. I said,” SORRY, I AM SORRY PAPA”. And we cried together.

I don’t have any one line moral to tell you folks. I realized what is important when I had a brush with death. Don’t let any failures take charge of your emotions. Suicide is no way. It’s just a tragedy that leaves scars on your loved ones for a lifetime. Don’t even think about it. SAY YES TO LIFE !! 

 

Disclaimer: The above is not related to the writer's personal life.