People often ask me what I think of the relationship between India and Pakistan every time a bomb goes off either side of the border that hasn’t been exploded by Hindu fundoos. First, I don’t know why people ask me. My foreign policy expertise is as expansive as a Naga Sadhus wardrobe. Anyhow, my answer is the same every time.
For me – the relationship is like that of an annoying girlfriend/boyfriend who just doesn’t get the hint that one of them isn’t interested. The thing is this – up until the 90s, the Kandahar hijack, even Kargil, average Indians were quite vocal and keen on wondering what was going on across the border. People shared a sense of history and from a foreign policy perspective, it was always object of focus number 1. Now however, things are a lot different. If I were India and had to draft it in letter form, here is what I would say.
“Sorry Pakistan, it’s not me, it’s you. I might have been around you physically for a long time, but my heart hasn’t been in it for a while. Its not that I hate you – its that I just don’t really care. You need to move on instead of constantly harping about how we were so close in the past, how we shared so many tender moments, how in the end we are all the same people. It used to make me feel guilty at first – but now it doesn’t. I don’t have to feel this way.
I've worked hard all my life to try and make a name for myself. And I’m finally getting recognised for all those efforts. Please let me focus on realising my full potential instead of constantly bringing me down. I have lots of kids to take care of. Some of them have to deal with mass poverty, some with global warming, some with the ridiculousness of the kind of shows my people are putting on TV. And if that wasn’t enough, some of my Maoist kids are even hell bent on killing me and parading my carcass for the world to see. If that happens, who will make all those movies that you love? Do you hate me so much that you want to constantly ruin my life? What kind of relationship is that? Hell, I even have more fun playing cricket with the Australians now. So what’s left for us to even salvage?
Every time we feel we are starting to move on and going along our business, you get your hot Chinese friends to start adding me on Facebook or blowing something up just to grab my attention. Why are you acting like a crazy wife trying to get something free from her ex-husband who is now a celebrity? I know we both used to live in the projects before, but you need to let me enjoy the success of my rap album that just went platinum. Constant obsession with our past relationship, bringing up how she knew me before I made it big in the world isn’t going to change anything. I get it – I totally get it – but you have to find other reasons to exist. I cannot be the sole reason you stay alive. It’s painful to watch – and in many ways, wrong.
Some of my politician sons will stay play the same games – and yours will too. Water issues will need to be solved, and our kids will also keep bumping each into each other while they go fishing. But we don’t have time for this - JUST LET IT GO!
I don’t know why we are supposed to be so bothered about everything happening with you. I don’t know why its my responsibility to nurture your children and make them play in IPL. I just want you to leave us alone. Do your thing, move on, get into another relationship and I’m sure we can be friends sometime in the future. As much as you’d like to think our break-up still hurts, it doesn’t. Dont believe whatever Nandita Das tells you. And I was secretly hoping Arundhati Roy would also get Qatari citizenship.
I hope you get what I was trying to say. I wish you well – I really do. Lets both do our thing and talk in maybe – 20 years?"
India
